Performing Gender at Kleinfeild: The Strange Feminism of “Say Yes to the Dress”

Melanie Nolan
5 min readDec 20, 2020

For a woman in my late teens who has zero intention of ever getting married, I watch a lot of “Say Yes to the Dress.” My roommates and I typically turn on an episode after dinner, and we watch it on the couch, gossiping and critiquing the dresses in between bites of leftover tofu. For those who don’t know, “Say Yes to the Dress” is described as “Part bridal story, part fashion makeover and part family therapy session, each “Say Yes to the Dress” episode looks at the personalities and craftsmanship that come into play as the Kleinfeld staff goes to sometimes extreme lengths to realize each bride’s dreams.” And since 2007, they have done just that. In the span of twenty-two minutes, excited viewers get to meet a new bride, get a general sense of her family dynamic (weird uncle, mom with fake boobs, clearly closeted gay cousin), and what her wedding will be. Throughout the span of the episode, the bride in question tries on dresses, and her friends and family she brought with her give their opinion. There are usually tears of both joy and sadness, and it always ends with the bride saying, “I say YES to this dress!” and tearfully hugging her family. It is formulaic, cheesy, deeply predictably, mindless, and yet, I am also convinced that it is a feminist masterpiece.

The women (and it is almost always women, the show remains annoyingly cis-het in that way) are almost always the complete focal point. Sure, there are some one-off episodes here and there where there is a weirdly invested uncle or a super obsessive dad, but for the most part, the show centers around the conflicts of women. The women are central, and the main character of each episode is always the bride. We learn of her life, struggles, and insecurities. She is fussed over by the Kleinfeld “consultants” and her and her friends are handed champagne as they giggle about inside jokes and how they always “knew” she would be the first to get married. We listen to her explain that she refuses to have a “strapless” dress because it would show off the embarrassing tattoo she got at seventeen in the basement of a house party. She twirls around in front of her best friends and looks at herself appraisingly in the mirror. A consultant pins up the dress to hide the cut on her leg. The brides have depth and character. For a reality television show, the brides of TLC’s “Say Yes To The Dress” remain remarkably human for the 22 minutes they are onscreen.

The only time men are mentioned on the show, for the most part, is a quick cut in the beginning to show the happy couple. Sure, we have a few sassy consultants here and there, but in terms of society’s typical definition of masculinity, the show shows it sparingly. We see a few flashes of them together, on jet skis, posing together in a restaurant, and we learn the name of the fiancee. And then that’s it. Cut. End of a story involving the man. We see a few blurry pictures, we learn that her beloved fiance “Dan” works in construction, and that is the end. It’s all about the bride. No more Dan.

Oddly enough, the “Dans” or various husbands-to-be of “Say Yes to the Dress” is entirely one-dimensional, and their only role is to provide more information on the bride herself. The main function completely as an offshoot of their partner. Without the woman, no one would care about the man. In a world where most women are defined by their relationship to men, this show serves as an odd pocket, a place where we learn that Jamal is indeed Serena’s husband and not the other way around. This fluff piece of a show, this picture of white feminism acts as a strange offshoot from our mainstream culture involving gender. Melinda Gates is not a philanthropist, she is Bill Gate’s wife. Tiffany Trump is not a law student, she is Donald Trump’s daughter. Your boss’s sister isn’t her name, she is your boss’s sister. It is fascinating the way we tend to reduce women down to the men they associate with. Take multi-platinum musical superstar Taylor Swift, who spent most of her career fending off questions and comments about the famous men she dated or dates, despite being a powerhouse of the music industry in her own right. Granted, some of these instances can be chalked up to the fact that more people may know the husband rather than the wife, but it falls in line with something we have always seen in society. Women being passive, while men are active. And this is something that does not happen in “Say Yes to the Dress”

The phenomenon is especially odd because the show prescribed to almost every other mainstream societal expectation about weddings. The women almost always cry when they see themselves in the dress, the mother of the bride wants it to be more conservative, meanwhile, the daughter wants form-fitting. The show is intensely formulaic except for the one twist in its formula: its strange relationship with gender. This does not even seem intentional, but there is some part of it that fascinates me.

So often modern feminism appears to be just turning women into what society views as men. We are expected to love our careers as much as men, be as successful as men, and have sex as often and unapologetically as men do. And I like this to a certain extent. But there are some aspects of societal femininity that I just love. Things like weddings, dresses, and baby dolls. Things that on the surface are not very substantive, not very solid. They are frilly, not feminist. Yet, “Say Yes to the Dress” embraces all of this. It takes everything that society deems “female” and ties it up in a lace-encrusted bowl and serves it to us with a glass of champagne and a sassy gay attendant holding the plate. Yet, even with all of these mainstream plot points, it still manages to center women in its narrative. The women are focal, and the men are defined by their proximity to these women. Their frilly complaints and insecurities are not dismissed as feminine fodder, but as valid and must-see TV.

Perhaps on some level. “Say Yes to the Dress” is strangely cathartic. A lot of feminist writers have spoken a lot about women’s constant need to apologize, to not ruffle feathers, and to punctuate a perfectly sensical point with a “does that make sense?” In a way, “Say Yes to the Dress” allows women to be as assertive as men. They can be ridiculous, trying on thousands of dresses, and hating them all. They can make bizarre requests, and be taken seriously. The brides of “Say Yes to the Dress” are unapologetic. They have goals, and they fight to achieve them. I can’t help but wonder what society or even an academic discussion would look like if all speakers were as empowered and unapologetically passionate as the brides on “Say Yes to the Dress.”

--

--

Melanie Nolan
0 Followers

Melanie is a sophmore at Skidmore College. You can follow her on Twitter at @MelanieJNolan